| The Middle |
Hey, Don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out, Or looked down on. Just try your best, Try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves When you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine, Everything, everything will be alright.
Hey, You know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, So don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough For someone else.
- By Jimmy Eat World |
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| wake me up when september ends |
well, one thing's for sure - september's certainly long gone..
it's already october, nimwit!
i know, i know.. after a really long slumber/hibernation/migration/irritation, i guess all i can say is that i miss... writing.
yes, my eternal hiatus has left me far too guilty and i also like to think that my brain has become rusty due to the lack of usage. and i'm sure i've lost quite a number of cells up there due to the few instances of actually putting them to good use. so, i figured and felt that maybe, for starters, ranting's the only way to oil the spokes of my intellect. and perhaps, a good reason for me to actually remain sane.
so, cut me some slack, will you. someone's trying to concentrate remembering things here! now, hush... i need time to recollect my thoughts.
and when i do, you'll be the first to know, definitely.
toodles! |
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Will you stand by me Hold on and never let me go Will you stand by me With you I know I belong When the story gets told
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| miniature adulthood |
Most people say the hardest transition in life is from being an innocent kid to a teenager with raging hormones. I beg to differ.
I think the entire 2 decades of my life so far, I never thought I'd sacrificed so much for my dad until now. All the big guy asked was my commitment. A simple requisition which requires a whole lot of strings to be cut loose.
Welll, try as I might to wriggle free, there's really nothing much I can do about it except sulk and perhaps conform. and sulk some more.
I'd like to think that here's where my one quarts wake-up call and part life training comes in.
I'm already looking forward to what comes next. NOT!
"You can tell a child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he is going." - Anynomous |
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| rants and rambles |
I should be effing tired and sleep the hours away. instead i'm stupidly awake at this forsaken hour of the night/morning. i don't even know why.
Random: I can't believe I actually want to join a dance sport in my later years. Oh, the effect of country club's rubbing on me. This-is-not-good.
More Random: I have the sudden urge to listen to Snow Patrol
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Has nobody asked you how you are? You look like you might not last the day I wouldn't have made it very far So we'd make a good team right away I've not made amends for yesterday My lip won't get me out of it Waking up dreading hearing tales Of all of my nightmares being true
I take a breath and grab the phone Secretly hoping you're not home
And I'll come running for my life Scramble through these greasy pathways I can't look up for fear of forwards I hear your words reverberate
An easy ride is all you said I was
Please try to control your feelings It doesn't make me want you more I'm terrified by every vacant Glance you shoot across my way
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| sing your life |
Walk right up to the microphone
And name All the things you love
All the things that you loathe
Mama, I'm A Big Girl Nowstop...stop telling me what to do-odon't...don't treat me like a child of two-ono...I know that you want what's bestplease...but mother please....give it a rest!(3x)stop, don't, no!please...mama, I'm a big girl now!Once upon a time when I was just a kidYou never let me do just what the older kids didBut lose that laundry list of what you won't allowcause mama, I'm a big girl now! (Oh, Tracy!)Once upon a time I used to play with toys...But now I'd rather play around with teenage boysSo if I get a hicky please don't, have a cow!cause mama, I'm a big girl now!Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubtI got my best dancing lessons from yo-ouYou're the one who taught me how to twist and shoutBecause you shout non-stop, and you're so twisted to-ooooooOnce I used to fidget cause I just sat homeBut now I'm just like Gidget, and I gotta get to RomeSo say arrividicci, toodle-loo, and ciao!cause mama I'm a big girl now!oooo(3x)stop, don't, no!please...mama, I'm a big girl now!hey mama....say mama...Once upon a time I was a shy young thingCould barely walk and talk so much as dance and singBut let me hit that stage I wanna take my bow...cause mama, I'm a big girl now!OOOOO!Once upon a time I used to dress up KenBut now that I'm a woman I like...bigger menAnd I don't need a barbie doll to show me howcause mama I'm a big girl now!OOOOOma, you always taught me what was right from wrongand now I just wanna give it a tryMama, I'm been in a nest for far to long!So please give a push and mama watch me fly!Watch me fly!hey mama....say mama...One day I will meet a man you won't condemnAnd we will have some kids and you can torture themBut let me be a star before I take that vow!Cause mama, I'm a big girl nowOOOMama, I'm a big girl nowHey, ya, ya, ya, yayMama...I'm a big girl...oo, such a big big girlI'm a big girl...now...oooo (2x)(stop don't no please)mama, I'm a big girl now! |
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| slosh, gobble, wolf |
I've been putting off exercise for a long while now. And since I came back, the only body part of mine that's been doing some calorie-burning is my mouth!
And I won't be surprised if I were to pile on the kilos because it's been outings of eating, eating and more eating. It's really a trend how get togethers almost always end up over a table feast. More likely than not, you'll end up swearing that it'll be the last time you devour something as heavy as that. And the next day, unknowingly, the same cycle happens.
 graveyard of prawns Great balls of bananas indeed.
Okay, let's digress. Actually, what I enjoy most about food is cooking! You see, because I'm the kind of cook who would only nibble at her creation and never actually eat what she conjoured up. I can't fully explain that behaviour but it's definitely one helluva good thing to not gain anymore excess pounds.
And I'd admit that I like to concoct on the stove. Quite recently, on two occasions, I was given the privilege to actually help out in a cooking demo and cook up a storm. The former involved more preparatory work and we ended up smelling like fish (I reeked like a skunk!), thanks to the hotel's kitchen ventilation. The other, meanwhile, was less taxing but more worthwhile. Let's just say, it's always nice to do something out of love, eh. But it was really fun- experimenting and 'messing around' in the kitchen.
 Mini Cheese Spring Rolls  Beef Lasagna
 Grilled Peanut Butter Chicken At the end of the day, though, anyone would still prefer to be on the receiving end, yeah? |
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| where the story goes |
They can take tomorrow and the plans we made; they can take the music that we'll never play; they can take the future that we'll never know; they can take the places that we said we will go; all the broken dreams take everything, just take it away, but they can never have yesterday... |
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Tonight you're mine completely You give your love so sweetly Tonight the light of love is in your eyes Will you love me tomorrow?
Is this a lasting treasure Or just a moment's pleasure? Can I believe the magic of your sighs? Will you still love me tomorrow?
Tonight with words unspoken And you say that I'm the only one, the only one, yeah But will my heart be broken When the night meets the morning star?
I'd like to know that your love Is love I can be sure of So tell me now, cause I won't ask again Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow? |
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| the best you never had |
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
yesterday is a kid in the corner yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes don't close your eyes |
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| These days are gone |
Morning falls like rain into the city life There goes another night Losing my breath in waves Knowing that ever crash is bleading the hourglass And taking the strife from all our lives
Everyone keeps talking They promise you everything But they don't mean anything
We may loose our focus There's just too many words We're never meant to learn And we don't feel so alive
Move your hands in circles Keeping me hypnotized The power behind your eyes Move around your bedroom cursing the naked sky You should be here tonight But you stay alone and cry
There's something missing You'll never feel it but you You're gonna feel it when it's gone When it's gone
Say goodbye, these days are gone And we can't keep holding on When all we need is some relief Through these hard times |
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| imagine |
Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace...
Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will live as one |
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| You're a part time lover and a full time friend |
Closing time - open all the doors and let you out into the world. Closing time - turn all the lights on over every boy and every girl. Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. Take me home...
Closing time - time for you to go out to the places you will be from. Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found a friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. |
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| ups & downs |
Good Old Times
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision one day to make it "yesterday once more". So they made a date on the river bank that they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 am in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But Grandpa ended in disappointment- Grandma never showed up even after sunset. Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: " Why didn't you come to our date?!!" Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go". ______________________
Life can show no mercy It can tear your soul apart It can make you feel like you've gone crazy But you're not Things have seem to changed There's one thing that's still the same In my heart you have remained And we can fly fly fly away
'Cause you are not alone And I am there with you And we'll get lost together Till the light comes pouring through 'Cause when you feel like you're done And the darkness has won Baby, you're not lost When the worlds crashing down And you can not bear to crawl I said, baby, you're not lost
"Lost" by Michael Buble |
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| What you need |
I must say I really enjoyed my fortnight of 'R&R'.
And yes, half a month is actually sufficient to be able to 'recuperate' from whatever I was suffering from. If I was even diagnosed with anything in the first place. But for now, let's just say I really needed time off to adjust back to the country I've lived for more than a decade of my life. It's really quite hard getting used to travelling from one place to another without the dust or pollution, or be able to sleep peacefully through the night without waking up to anonymous bites on your body, or even simply walking on the streets without having to say a prayer everytime a stranger approaches.
I remember telling my supervisor that the first thing I wanted to do when I got back was to take a nice hot shower. And to clear my bowels. You see, not many actually have proper sanitation in their homes and just living day by day never seemed so challenging before. And if you ask me what was the most valuable lesson I learnt in my whole overseas internship stint, I'd proudly say it was "survival".
If only everyone has the chance to be thrown off to some country without these conveniences!
I'm sure that's when the fun begins.
But you see, that's all over now. Brief handshakes and numerous farewells aside, everyone has moved on. I must move on.
Honestly, one of the many reasons why I wanted to hop on a jet bound north was because I really needed the time to be away to think through things. Things that I wasn't really prepared to muse over at that point of time. I figured, I could very well use the time, distance and exposures to actually come to a conclusion that'll help me decide in time to come.
And so I've finally reach that point. I've got to admit, although some things didn't change and the fact remains that I swear triple the times I used to before, I can't stress enough that I'm really grateful for everything that I was able to experience.
But as for now, I'd have to concentrate on convincing myself that I'm not leaving again come next month because my system's gotten used to the nomadic lifestyle. And yeah, I need a job. Because I'm not really cut out to be a bum.
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| when it's in your hands |
If you are one of those Filipino-(insert another country here) offspring, part of an entire generation of young adults who have lived and been raised "abroad", you should take time to read the following article.
Final Piece of a Puzzle By Krisanne Alcantara Philippine Daily Inquirer
Coming back to the Philippines in my adulthood is akin to the satisfaction of finding that final piece of the puzzle and placing it snugly where it belongs. It is like filling an empty space that you never knew existed. "Where have you been all these years?" I wondered, as sweat poured down my brow and I was almost killed by a reckless taxi driver. ____________________________________
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust I've got my heart set on anywhere but here I'm staring down myself, counting up the years Steady hands, just take the wheel... And every glance is killing me Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead
They're tryin to come back, all my senses push Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could... Steady feet, don't fail me now Gonna run till you can't walk But something pulls my focus out And I'm standing down...
Stop and stare I think I'm moving but I go nowhere Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there And you'd give anything to get what's fair But fair ain't what you really need Oh, can you see what I see
"Stop and Stare" by One Republic ____________________________________
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| Give me reason, but don’t give me choice |
Alice came to a fork in the road... "Which road do I take?"she asked. "Where do you want to go?"responded the Cheshire cat. "I don't know,"Alice answered. Then said the cat,"it doesn't matter." |
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| same mistake |
How I wish I could surrender my soul; Shed the clothes that become my skin; See the liar that burns within my needing. How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold. How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning.
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind; Hold memory close at hand, Help me understand the years. How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell. How I wish I would save my soul. I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble. Far, far away; find comfort in pain. All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble. It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
"Tears and Rain" by James Blunt |
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| my place |
"Quit frownin' up and quit actin' like you don't like it" |
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| Confessions of a Student Intern |
As told by Avie Zharisse T. Mercado
“Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.” -Pete Seeger It is hardly necessary to recount the details. The very first time we stepped into the office, we were given proper introductions, like proper employees. Not a bad start, I thought.
______________________
Read the full story. |
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| leaving home for home |
oh, the irony!
But it's everything that I've been anticipating for!
:)
I'm going to the place where love And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
I'm going home, Back to the place where I belong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me... But these places and these faces are getting old, So I'm going home.
Well, I'm going home. |
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| the streets of nowhere |
Too many nights, With too many faces I don't know where I've been Too many days With too many places, I don't know who I am
Drive into the lights The streets are like rain clouds Dripping into the night
Wheels keep on turning The sky is still burning
And the stars make a picture |
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| the finish line |
Can I get a "Yay!" over at that corner? How about a "Whoo-hoo!" over at that side?
Now, now, don't be stingy on your hip-hip-hurrays! There's a whole lot of reason to celebrate and I'm not going to let you be a party-pooper just because you're not in it. hmph.
But now's not the time to sulk. It's time to be glad despite the festive seasons far flung behind us (well, there's CNY and Vday around the corner so technically that's not true. but heck, this is far worth more than your hongbaos combined! well, no. I'll take that back.)
Congratulations! Who would have thought that the 20 weeks would pass like that?!
Aaah...
The taste of self-gratification/relief/sadness/joy/pain/anxiety/suffering/discovery/maturity/ all rolled to one. The smell of accomplishment. The sweet sound of clinkin' glasses and frothing beer cans. The feeling of disposing the millstone off your back and seeing invisible strings cut loose.
For you know that it's finally over, my friend.
:)
"You've done well.. And that's all I can say. Well, I'm also satisfied... And it's not easy satisfying me. So there." |
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| the benchmark |
Sometimes, life's inequalities isn't really justified by having a bullyrag for a boss.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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| the closing syndrome |
She was in the room, half awake, half asleep The walls seem to alter angles Elongating and shrinking alternately Then twisting around completely so that she was on the opposite side of the room A trick of the light, she thought
Caffeine in the blood, caffeine on the brain, bad well water Set off a chain reaction, and a desparate set of principles.
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"Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt." -José Ortega y Gassett |
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| so here i go |
just a week and a half more before we can kiss this "bondage" goodbye! in fact, it's just 7 working days more.
i've got 4 articles under my belt. plus a report to complete before the end of the month. yes, it's that easy and difficult to do.
now, we're experiencing a power failure at the office. which means, no ventilation, no internet and no people. yups, the latter is actually because everyone else's asses are bounded for a meeting that's why we have an hour or so to roast in the fourth floor.
and by the way, excuse the random post because that's what happens when you're stuck in the office for far too long.
ugh.
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So while I'm turning in my sheets Walk out the door and up the street Look at the stars beneath my feet Remember rights that I did wrong
There is no place I cannot go My mind is muddy but My heart is heavy, does it show? I lose the track that loses me |
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| bubble, bubble, toil and trouble |
I shall not be discreet. The only thing I'm going to advise is that if you're eating right now, it's best you come back later before you read the next few lines.
Well, for one, my tummy decided that it has enough of whatever I've been consuming. So it went on a strike and I ended up puking and sh*tting alternatively. And it's really not funny when you rush into the toilet, in a streak of sudden urgency, and find yourself caught in some dilemna of not being sure which side you have to put facing the bowl- your face or your butt.
And it's not even amusing (I swear I'll jab your jaw if I hear so much as a chuckle from you!) when you're reduced to rejecting every single morsel of diet inserted in your trap. A minute or less, you'll end up seeing the gooey remainants of what looked like your noodles or the yellow liquid that existed from the pit of your stomach.
One word- GROSS!
The irony really is the fact that we haven't been eating anything out of the ordinary at all! Our meals consist of anything from a restaurant, cafe or fast food outlets. Which is really sad because truth be told, every single grub isn't satisfying at all. And I'm speaking without any hint of biasness, unfairness, maliciousness or whatever other "ness" there is. I'm supposed to be enjoying the food here of all places, dammit!!
Chow time isn't even something I'm looking forward to, which is the biggest disappointment I have concerning this country. my country!
But then again, it does help me lose all the pounds I gain previously in Bangkok. So I guess, it's a fair deal after all. Just that, please, give my buttocks a break!
-------------------- "When an illness knocks you on your ass, you should stay down and relax for a while before trying to get back up." -Candea Core-Starke |
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| my own star |
today we went on an outdoor shoot. an on-location shoot for a television soap box opera. actually, we weren't supposed to be there but I guess our sup found a small glint of kindness in his heart to let us off for the day. Imagine that- OFF for the day! but we went back to the office anyway since we've got work to do. talk about passion! sheesh.
 anyway, we met so many faces and learnt more about each's task on set. it was really like location video production back in 1st year. but, more professional and faster. it was really chop chop and bam, next scene. the only slow parts during the shoot was the change of set up and scenes. and of course, lunch break. but did I mention faster? cause each take was really fast. and it was incredible how these people seem to know exactly what to do. they make it look as though they've been doing this for more than a decade. or have they?
they also have an OB van, which by the way we called "a truck". and we didn't realise our mistake until all of them suddenly got flusterred and the Executive Producer said that they should bring their better vehicle next time before word gets spread around in Singapore that it's "a truck". haha..
 anyway, about the truck, or OB van (whatever O or B stands for) it's like the control room in TV Studio Production. So basically, it's like a combination of LocVid and TVProd. Real cool. And all of the people on the set seems to have the coolest job ever. Well, we're talking TV here, of course.
We also got free ice cream, given chairs to sit, fetched water, and it's really wonderful to get such a nice treatment just because we're the director's friend. it's really great to have contacts, ain't it. and that's how it works there as well.
Other stuff I learnt:
- extras are called talents and are paid P300 the entire day.
- on the other hand, actors get between 10,000 to 40,000
- the assistant director does all the dirty work
- the director has the coolest job but gets his butt kicked too when the show flops.
- actors call sleep a luxury because most of them haven't had a wink for an average of 3 days. Normally though, some would go without sleep for a week. Talk about hard working. they also don't get much privacy and don't get to do stuff that they don't normally do. even as simple as smoking a cigar.
- they pay alot for PR. ALOT.
- they love doing movies more because it's more exciting and less pressuring because at least they get sufficient time to memorise their lines.
- to be an actor, you've got to have super power memorising abilities.
- 80% of Filipinos, at one point of their life, want/wanted to be an actor.
- it's difficult to trust anyone when you're in showbiz. everyone and anyone can be your good friends but they're still your competitor at the end of the day.
- most of them have no regrets joining the industry.
- like he said, he acts for free and gets paid by the publicity he sees everywhere.
- and last but not least, actors are vain. period.
but despite their affinity towards themselves, one can't help but ogle at those pecs and chiselled good looks. i mean, how many times do you actually get to talk to an actor 1-on-1? so i took the chance to interview him and get as much information as I can. and it was really nice chatting to someone famous, although it was really quite irritating each time a fan comes forward asking for a photograph or two.
and it was also quite refreshing to talk about travelling with a stranger. i did manage to sell Cambodia and I know I did a pretty good job cause the dude's now pretty convinced to grab his backpack and head across to Siem Reap! But who am I to talk about adventures, when this lad went on a 3-week stint across Europe on his own. and alone too! dang! Next stop, I'll head to Venice. And the Grand Canyon too!!
anyway, it was really nice talking to him, although I've got to be honest, it was rather awkward because hey, he's a freaking actor! and a good-looking one too! truth be told, his skin is so flawless because of the make-up, you just can't help but stare. and of course, how can i forget that the muscles are all in the right places!

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I want a brand new house On an episode of Cribs And a bathroom I can play baseball in And a king size tub big enough For ten plus me
I'll need a credit card that's got no limit And a big black jet with a bedroom in it Gonna join the mile high club At thirty-seven thousand feet
I'm gonna dress my ass With the latest fashion Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion Gonna date a centerfold that loves to Blow my money for me
I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame I'd even cut my hair and change my name
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| stop & stare |
Sometimes you've got to take life by its balls.
That's what I learnt after realising that being nice doesn't necessary mean that you always have to be at the losing end.
Welcome home, Avie.
I had an eventful flight. That's actually a nice way to put it, really. I mean, I didn't expect to:
- Be 10 minutes past the flight schedule and the last person to board the plane.
- Run around the airport hunting for a money changer and be sent away because they're far too lazy to serve me!
- Be charged a freaking 1,400Baht for an excess baggage of 7kg!!!!! #*@^!
And the next thing I knew, I was sandwhiched in between a crying baby and a snoring man who just wouldn't want to wake up from his slumber. Plus, I had to do some babysitting duties while the mom was in the wash room and time apparently stood still when I had that toddler in my arms. I was just happy to return her to where she came from because my arms were aching by the time her mom came back. and that would futher prove the point that I won't be having a baby any time soon. and fyi, soon would mean 10 years, thank you very much.
Anyway, we got out of the "airport-next-door" (yes, that's how i'm going to describe that white-washed walls of a place) after much confusion. I really felt so out of place, ironically. I guess my only consolation was watching the sunrise through groggy sleepless eyes and seeing the streets come alive amidst the pollution and honking buses.
I shall tell you about our hotel another day because that will take us another hour. But nonetheless, we caught up on loss sleep.
The day went quicker and soon we found ourselves being toured and orientated around our "new office". After 10,000 "hello's", "hi's" and "nice to meet you's", we then had a meeting- a freaking seriously meeting, as if we're not jetlagged enough.
Anyway, after all that was over, past dinner, while trying to weave ourselves into a blend of cars and people, my supervisor threw me a matter of fact question:
"Do you know what the first thing this city teaches you?"
I shook my head.
"Fear, my friend. Fear."
Not even a day here and I'm already learning a handful of life's lessons. I can't imagine what a month would have in store for me then.
I guess it's true when they say that you'll learn to be brave here. And not just to put up a brave front.
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Cross the border, Into the big bad world where it takes you 'bout an hour just to cross the road just to stumble across another poor old soul from the dreary old lanes to the high-street madness
I fight with my brain to believe my eyes and it's harder than you think to delay the sadness that creeps up my spine and haunts me through the night and I'm wondering 'round searching for the change that I've lost somehow
These streets have too many names for me I'll get used to this eventually I know, I know
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